we used to sit on the second, maybe third, step of that stair. and we used to stare at the cold night while smoking our cigarettes. We would rather wait for some of us to get really really cold or scared by the black night and then we would go inside the house, we would eat bread with cheese and lettuce and ketchup, sometimes. I don’t even like the combination of lettuce and ketchup, but that didn’t really matter.

i was a really naive girl when you painted my nails with the most vibrant red i had ever seen. you were different. and that’s why i loved you. we drank, we partied, we ate a lot of chocolate and pizza hut and we told all of our secrets. we were so damn happy, girl.

we had the most amazing time of our lives and i…i don’t know if i recognize myself in those pictures anymore. my life has changed. i have changed so freaking much. sometimes i like it. and sometimes i understand that you have changed too. and that’s ok, my friend. that will always be ok.

we changed when we got into that airplane and when we started to hear people speaking portuguese all over the streets. honey, we changed by changing boyfriends, by getting laid, by having to choose a career. and, darling, we did it all. we’ve grown up. and that’s ok.

and that’s normal. you know? that is what it is.

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2 hours later

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but not when I look to this damn picture of our steps. this lonely stair that doesn’t lead us to Nana anymore….oh my god…this is you. and this is me. and this is us growing up, meeting new people, being happy every day, not worrying about a damn single thing. that was us not speaking to our parents for more than a week. that was me not going back to my host house and family for a week just to get in another great adventure with you and the girls. we were a gang, baby. we were. we didn’t have a name or a song or a logo. but that’s because we didn’t need that. we were awesome. we were friends. forever. and we had dreadlocks and we ate lollo and we weren’t scared. we were never scared.

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I’m scared right now. aren’t you?

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life was so easy back then. i used to wear my white coat everyday. you guys gave it to me. you were my best. and it matched my white boots. they were so ugly, but so comfy. i spent a few days without showering. you know that. not going back home took me to some bad decisions. but i don’t regret them.

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i felt so free.

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i’ve lost my freedom, even now that i’m older and making my own money.

i’m a big girl, i’m an adult. i miss me.

and i miss you.

and those steps …and the stair.

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and I wish i could just change a couple of things by holding this photograph as it was magic. but i can’t. but it isn’t. we were magic. and we’ve grown.

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casa Nana

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